Safety Guide for BDSM

Note: I know this text is long. But I’ve filled it with everything I’ve learned as best practices and wisdom in over 15 years of BDSM. I recommend you read it in its entirety at least once so you know all the topics – and NO – you don’t have to stick to every single point. They all highlight important aspects, warning signs or best opractices. 

Whenen you are looking for a dominant boyfriend/girlfried and love dominant men/women, there are also certain risks that someone might abuse your kink and is more than just a ” demanding dom.”

This guide is specially designed to give submissive newcomers an understanding of important safety measures, red flags, and concepts to stay safe. It is part of my campaign for more safety in the BDSM scene. Unfortunately, rape, abuse, power misuse, and other forms of exploitation are common in the scene.

So-called “predators” are misusing kinks and vulnerable submissives for their sexual gains without consent. There are many stories in the community about such behaviors. Therefore this guide also includes some steps to help identify them and have a safer start in the community.

PLEASE NOTE: Some steps are more precautious than others. Please identify for yourself which ones to consider and implement for you.

 

PICTURES / PROFILE / GENERAL

These are tips to be on the safe side. Modifications and attenuations are possible at any time, depending on your sensitivity. We show here only topics that should give you food for thought.

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• No cross-posting of pictures – Doing a reverse-picture search with search engines is possible. So someone might find your details through such searches as they might find Facebook, LinkedIn, or other pictures online.
• Set pictures, friends, and location to “PRIVATE” so no one can trace you back
• Do not post nude pictures online that contain personal details (face, view, etc.) and remove meta-data (pictures might contain geo-data, names, phone, etc.)
• Do not share your phone number until you are sure about the other person (install KIK, Threema, or other messaging services where you don’t have to give out a number)
• Fake name, location, and age – Helps additionally to avoid the danger of stalkers
• Identify your Kinks – You should research carefully and find out what is safe and desired. For example, if you’re into impact play (you like to get hit), look for the safe zones, safe practices, etc. so you don’t get overwhelmed in play
• Perform STD / STD testing should unprotected sex occur.
• Do not share toys with strangers (Especially at play parties, etc.) or place a condom around them
• Prepare your aftercare routine (e.g., cozy warm clothes, water, rituals, or other gestures) should the Dom not perform aftercare
• Trust your gut feeling – If there is a bad feeling somewhere, better take a step back and ask again or look from the outside.

 

 

BEFORE

Everything you should look for before getting involved with a play partner.

Before committing to a new partner, take time to build trust and explore compatibility beyond just kink interests. Have open and honest conversations about your values, relationship goals, communication styles, emotional needs, and other aspects of compatibility. Jumping into a dynamic relationship without understanding someone on a deeper level can lead to problems. Look for someone who values open communication, respect, and mutual fulfillment inside and outside the bedroom.

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• Do not establish a power imbalance/power dynamic without getting to know each other in person and never under pressure
• Obtain references of the possible partner or if possible do a background check before a meeting (e.g. is the person really working where they say, are they living where they say … it can be hard to obtain information but have it in mind)
• Clarify all medical and physical details before the meetup or play. STD testing is also strongly recommended for certain games.
• Don’t feel pressured to send pictures. Never send pictures to anyone without knowing this person. Think about your reputation and privacy. The best is to send pictures where only your face or only body are seen (not combined). Never send compromising pics where your face is visible with nude content, in play, or anything else.
• Have clear conversations about the absolute no-goes and hard limits. Be sensitive to how your counterpart reacts to your limits.
• Agree on safewords and test them out on a small scale to see what the other person does with them. Small, simple games and use the safeword there (highly recommended).
• Does the blame tend to be shifted to the other person? How does the person react to criticism or topics they don’t like so much?
• Is there an “eye-level” as a person? (this does not include the D/S differential).
• Have you tried to look at the situation from the “outside”? (How would you, as a 3rd person, assess the situation)?
• Did you talk openly about your experiences? Did you test how experienced the person is and what experience gaps your counterpart has?
• First meeting is always in public, in a place where all parties feel comfortable.
• If you are unsure, ask in the local BDSM community for a so-called “cover/chaperone” (this is a person who goes along on first dates as a protective person). There are many offers you can find in your local community, on forums like fetlife, fetish or even website. It is also recommended to talk with those people first if you are not secure on how to proceed with a real-life date.

 

DURING

Everything to consider during a play, interaction, or scene.

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• Start small! Never go to extremes right away! (No edging on the first time!)
• Pay attention to how someone starts. Does the person pay attention to how you respond? Is he allowing you to get into the “subspace”?
• How does your counterpart react to criticism? Try to “criticize” small things to determine how the person reacts (e.g., the handcuffs are too tight, someone is pushing/pulling too hard, etc.).

 

AFTER

Everything after the interaction, play, and scene.

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• Is there aftercare? If not, be prepared and hydrate yourself, dress comfortably and warmly, etc.
• Is there a conversation about what happened?
• How does anyone respond to criticism? (Analogous to above, test and mention little things).

 

Please note: While aftercare is often about comforting and reassuring the submissive, dominants can also benefit emotionally after an intense scene. Visiting each other and also tutoring the dominant partner can strengthen the relationship.

 

BDSM (Safety) CONCEPTS TO USE

SSC – Safe Sane Consent

RACK – Risk-Aware Consensual Kink

PRICK – Personal Responsibility In Consensual Kink

CCCC – Care, Communication, Consent, Caution.

Most BDSM concepts are based on both parties, i.e., both partners are aware of the risks and safety. Specifically, mutual consent/understanding prevails. It would be best if you always acted under the aspect of personal/physical/mental safety and mutual consent.

Here is the full article explaining all BDSM safety Concepts from SSC, RACK, PRICK, GGG, BARK, CCCC and SEAF. 

 

SSC – Safe, Sane, and Consensual.

The SSC concept emphasizes that all BDSM activities should be based on safe practices, partner common sense, and ongoing mutual consent.

Safe – All activities should minimize physical and emotional risks. Partners should learn appropriate techniques, take safety precautions, and avoid unsafe practices.

Healthy – Partners must be in a healthy state of mind to consent. They should not be under the influence of drugs/alcohol or suffer from mental health issues that impair their judgment.

Consensual – There must be informed, enthusiastic and continuous consent. Partners should check in regularly before, during and after play. Consent may be revoked at any time.

RACK – Risk-Aware Consensual Kink.

The RACK concept recognizes that some BDSM activities involve physical and emotional risks. Partners accept these risks through informed consent.

Risk Aware – Partners educate themselves about the risks of the activities and ways to minimize harm. They acknowledge that some risk may remain.

Consensual – Partners negotiate boundaries and consent to activities with full awareness of the potential risks and harms. Consent is ongoing and can be withdrawn.

Kink – Partners engage in alternative sexual practices that interest them, provided the activities are conducted safely and consensually.

The main difference between SSC and RACK is that RACK tolerates more risks if they are understood and agreed to. However, the basic principles of mutual consent and concern for physical/mental safety remain paramount.

PRICK – Personal Responsibility In Consensual Kink.

The PRICK concept focuses on each individual’s personal responsibility for their choices and actions in BDSM activities.

Personal Responsibility – All participants are responsible for their own physical and emotional safety as well as the safety of others. They should only take risks that they are comfortable with.

In Consensual Kink – BDSM activities should always take place with full consent between all partners. Consent must be enthusiastic and can be revoked at any time.

CCCC – Care, Communication, Consent, Caution.

The 4 C’s represent core values that should be adhered to during BDSM activities.

Care – Partners should sincerely care for each other’s well-being and avoid serious harm. The relationship is built on trust.

Communication – Open and honest communication, especially about needs, boundaries, and safety. Check in frequently.

Consent – There must be informed, enthusiastic, and ongoing consent. Partners can withdraw consent at any time.

Caution – Exercise appropriate caution and judgment to minimize risks. Educate yourself on safety practices for all activities.

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Overall, these concepts emphasize the need for mutual caring, communication, consent, responsibility, education, and safety precautions in BDSM relationships and play. Even if there is some risk involved and you agree to it, it should not be at the expense of basic respect and well-being. Let me know if you need further explanation or would like to explain more concepts!