Safety Guide for BDSM

When you are looking for a dominant boyfriend and love dominant men, there are also certain risks that someone might abuse your kink for “demanding doms.”

This guide is specially designed to give submissive newcomers an understanding of important safety measures, red flags, and concepts to stay safe. It is part of my campaign for more safety in the BDSM scene. Unfortunately, rape, abuse, power misuse, and other forms of exploitation are common in the scene.

So-called “predators” are misusing kinks and vulnerable submissives for their sexual gains without consent. There are many stories in the community about such behaviors. Therefore this guide also includes some steps to help identify them and have a safer start in the community.

PLEASE NOTE: Some steps are more precautious than others. Please identify for yourself which ones to consider and implement for you.

 

PICTURES / PROFILE / GENERAL

These are tips to be on the safe side. Modifications and attenuations are possible at any time, depending on your sensitivity. We show here only topics that should give you food for thought.

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– No cross-posting of pictures – Doing a reverse-picture search with search engines is possible. So someone might find your details through such searches as they might find Facebook, LinkedIn, or other pictures online.

– Set pictures, friends, and location to “PRIVATE” so no one can trace you back

– Do not post nude pictures online that contain personal details (face, view, etc.) and remove meta-data (pictures might contain geo-data, names, phone, etc.)

– Do not share your phone number until you are sure about the other person (install KIK, Threema, or other messaging services where you don’t have to give out a number)

– Fake name, location, and age – Helps additionally to avoid the danger of stalkers

– Identify your Kinks – You should research carefully and find out what is safe and desired. For example, if you’re into impact play (you like to get hit), look for the safe zones, safe practices, etc. so you don’t get overwhelmed in play

– Perform STD / STD testing should unprotected sex occur.

– Do not share toys with strangers (Especially at play parties, etc.) or place a condom around them

– Prepare your aftercare routine (e.g., cozy warm clothes, water, rituals, or other gestures) should the Dom not perform aftercare

– Trust your gut feeling – If there is a bad feeling somewhere, better take a step back and ask again or look from the outside.

 

 

BEFORE

Everything you should look for before getting involved with a play partner.

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– Do not establish a power imbalance without getting to know each other in person and never under pressure

– Obtain references of the possible partner or do a background check before a meeting

– Clarify all medical and physical details before the meetup or play.

– Don’t feel pressured to send pictures. Never send pictures to anyone without knowing this person. Think about your reputation and privacy. The best is to send pictures where only your face or only body are seen (not combined). Never send compromising pics where your face is visible with nude content, in play, or anything else.

– Have clear conversations about the absolute no-goes and hard limits. Be sensitive to how your counterpart reacts to your limits.

– Agree on safewords and test them out on a small scale to see what the other person does with them. Small, simple games and use the safeword there (highly recommended).

– Does the blame tend to be shifted to the other person? How does the person react to criticism or topics they don’t like so much?

– Is there an “eye-level” as a person? (this does not include the D/S differential).

– Have you tried to look at the situation from the “outside”? (How would you, as a 3rd person, assess the situation)?

– Did you talk openly about your experiences? Did you test how experienced the person is and what experience gaps your counterpart has?

– First meeting is always in public, in a place where all parties feel comfortable.

– If you are unsure, ask in the local BDSM community for a so-called “cover/chaperone” (this is a person who goes along on first dates as a protective person). There are many offers, and it is also recommended to talk with those people first if you are not secure on how to proceed with a real-life date.

 

DURING

Everything to consider during a play, interaction, or scene.

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– Start small! Never go to extremes right away!

– Pay attention to how someone starts. Does the person pay attention to how you respond? Is he allowing you to get into the “subspace”?

– How does your counterpart react to criticism? Try to “criticize” small things to determine how the person reacts (e.g., the handcuffs are too tight, someone is pushing/pulling too hard, etc.).

 

AFTER

Everything after the interaction, play, and scene.

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– Is there aftercare? If not, be prepared and hydrate yourself, dress comfortably and warmly, etc.

– Is there a conversation about what happened?

– How does anyone respond to criticism? (Analogous to above, test and mention little things).

 

CONCEPTS TO USE

SSC – Safe Sane Consent

RACK – Risk-Aware Consensual Kink

Both concepts are based on both parties, i.e., both partners are aware of the risks and safety. Specifically, mutual consent/consent prevails. It would be best if you always acted under the aspect of personal/physical/mental safety and mutual consent.