Have you ever found yourself daydreaming about being knocked out not by a knight in shining armor, but by a partner with a hint of authority in his voice? Or have you found yourself searching for juicy literature that deals with the subject of power. That curiosity might lead you to ask, “Am I submissive?” So, buckle up (pun intended) as we embark on this enlightening journey to discover the facets of submissive tendencies and why it is amazing that you came to this point of researching the topic and staying true to your desires and wishes.
What does it mean to be submissive?
If you browse a romantic bookshelf, you’re sure to find stories in which the protagonists melt under the gaze, guidance, or command of a captivating counterpart (and I love a good pun). But submissiveness isn’t just the stuff of literature or hot movie scenes. It’s a real, multi-layered aspect of interpersonal dynamics. But lets start with 2 basic things you should understand before we proceed further
- The context is the queen – Submission can vary widely in the wide world of relationships. In some contexts, it’s the thrill of letting your partner take the lead in the bedroom. For others, it can be the daily routine, like deciding on dinner or doing the housework. And then there’s the BDSM community, where submission involves ritual, safety precautions and, yes, possibly leather.
- A spectrum of submission – Just as there are fifty (or actually way more) shades of every color, submission is also varied and diverse. Some only dip into submissive waters once in a while, while others dive headfirst into the 24/7 and TPE dynamic. Remember that there is no one size fits all, it’s more tailored to your desires and the dynamic you want to build for your life, sex-life or your relationship.
The D/S and S/M Spectrum: A Dance of Power and Sensation
Before we go further it is maybe time to speak about the BDSM basics. Think of it as an intricately woven tapestry, with the dynamics of dominance and submission (D/S) forming one set of threads and sadism/masochism (S/M) adding another layer of vibrant patterns.
Dominance and submission are about the exchange of power. While we’ve talked about the submissive side, remember that there is a whole world of dominants, switches (those who can enjoy both roles), and everything in between. It’s like choosing between leading, following, or a little of both in a dance. The Dominance and submission dynamic is more about the control, the interaction and who takes the lead.
This is where the play of sensations comes into play. Sadism means taking pleasure in inflicting pain (always consensual of course – so both agree), while masochism means taking pleasure in receiving pain. These sensations can be physical, such as spanking, or psychological, such as humiliation. It is like craving spicy food: Some like a mild tingle, while others seek the fieriest chili and everyone has a different experience while others absolutely hate it.
D/S and S/M elements often intertwine. You might describe yourself as a submissive who also likes a bit of masochism. Or perhaps a dominant with a penchant for sadism. The combinations between D/S, S/M, Bondage, Kinks, Fetishes and other desires are as varied as the toppings at your favorite pizzeria and make up your unique sexuality. So while you read here about the submissive part, never forget that there is a world full of kinky things that you can experience. (If you want a checklist go to here: The Full BDSM checklist with 300+ topics)
Signs that you might be submissive
Now let’s kick up some detective dust and go over some signs that you might have a submissive streak. If you check off this checklist as if you were checking off the symptoms on a WebMD page (and hopefully with less anxiety), we might be onto something.
- Leadership Guru: Do you often crave guidance or direction, especially from your partner? Not in a lost sheep way, but more in an “I love it when you take the lead” kind of way.
- Extraordinary pleasure person: If you feel a small sense of happiness when you give someone a smile, or if their satisfaction feels like your personal victory, you might be feeling submissive pleasure.
- Rituals and routines make you happy: There’s something inexplicably satisfying about rituals, isn’t there? If you find comfort in set routines, especially if they’re set by someone you trust, that’s a clue!
- Control: Whether in the bedroom or planning the weekend, do you sometimes enjoy the thought of someone else taking the reins?
- Propensity for Literature and Fantasy: Do you notice a pattern in your choice of books, movies, or daydreams? If themes of power dynamics make your heart beat faster, your inner submissive may be beckoning.
- Symbols: Symbols like “Collaring” turn you on and you get immediately attracted to this fantasy of being owned by an experienced dom?
Remember, there is no standardized test that will certify your “submissive level” (although that would be an interesting board or party game). It’s just a matter of recognizing patterns and connecting with what appeals to you. Sexuality is very fluid and also very personal and this is also true with your wishes on the “power dynamic” scale. As mentioned before it can be just some small task or a life as 24/7 slave. There are thousands of different way of how submission can play a role in your life or sexuality.
Distinguishing between healthy submission and co-dependency
Okay, before we go any further, it’s time for a little heart-to-heart talk about one of the bigger problems surrounding dominance and submission and BDSM dynamics. As empowering as submission can be, there’s a fine line between diving deep into your desires and accidentally falling down a rabbit hole of codependency or abusive dynamics.
- Choose to submit, don’t be chained: Healthy submission is a choice. It’s an exciting feeling when you willingly hand over the reins, knowing you can take them back at any time. On the other hand, if you feel compelled to always give in because of fear or low self-esteem, it’s time to stop and think.
- The Golden Rule of Consent: True submission is always based on mutual respect and consent. If you ever feel pressured into a submissive role without enthusiastically saying, “Hell, yeah!” it’s a clear sign that you should re-evaluate the dynamic and maybe look for other signs.
- Submission ≠ Doormat: Giving in to your submissive side doesn’t mean you want to be a doormat. It’s a dynamic exchange of power, but not an open invitation for someone to wipe their dirty shoes on your self-esteem and not make you feel ugly, unwanted or of low value. Even the most dominant maledoms will give you respect and care and will also make sure that you are safe and you grow personally.
- Ask the mirror: If the face looking back at you seems a bit lost or diminished because of your submissive actions, it could be heading toward codependency. A submissive dynamic should empower and uplift you, not drain and diminish you. It should give you the freedom to experience your sexuality and don’t suppress your personality.
It’s important to understand the difference as BDSM is often also an entry door for abusive behaviour coated and disguised as D/S dynamics. It’s like being able to distinguish between a deliciously spicy taco and a scenario where your mouth is on fire. Both are intense, but only one leaves you wanting more.
Myth-busting: clarifying common misconceptions about submission
It’s time to clear away those pesky misconceptions about submissiveness, just like you would clear away those pesky flies at a summer picnic. Let’s debunk some of the most notorious and also problematic myths that are around D/S dynamics and submission in general.
Myth 1: All submissives are weak or passive
Reality check: submission is a decision that requires a lot of strength and self-awareness. Some of the most assertive CEOs or leaders like to be submissive in their personal environments. Irony, your name is Kink. And never forget – A Dom would be nothing without a sub giving him the power and the submission. Because without a submission there is no Dom.
Myth 2: Submission means having nothing to say and no boundaries
Important: Submissives are not silent participants! They have boundaries, safewords, and lots to say and can be even bratty or topping from the bottom. Think of it like a complicated tango where the leader leads but both dancers are in sync and respect each other’s moves. Both can’t do anything without the other one following, leading and then feeling the interaction between those two partners. The better the bond the more both partners can do.
Myth 3: Being submissive is regressive or anti-feminist
Here’s where it gets tricky. The personal choice to be submissive doesn’t mean you don’t support equality. Feminism advocates freedom of choice, even if that choice means wearing handcuffs in the bedroom or giving up your sexuality to be controlled by a dominant man. Living and acting out your sexuality without prejudice or stigma is one of the core tenets of the movement for greater equality.
Myth 4: Submissives seek to repeat past traumas
Although personal history can have an impact on desire, it is too simplistic (and a bit insulting if we are fully hoenst here) to claim that all submissives are acting out past traumas. Sometimes a rose by any other name would smell just as good, and a kink is just a kink. We are humans and we have different tastes, different desires and different perception of our own sexuality. So enbrace this and don’t always just think if a trauma is causing your desires. As long as it is doing good for you and not hurting or limiting others it is perfectly fine to just enjoy your own desires.
Self-Exploration: Determining Your Level and Type of Submission:
So, now as you got a little intro into submission and everything around it, but how do you sift through it to uncover your unique flavor of submission? Think of this as a delightful self-date, complete with introspection, discovery, and maybe some chocolate (always helps). If you want to go a little further then also try to make a BDSM Test and understand what the results mean. Here is a full article on this: BDSM Tests and BDSM Test Results explained. If you don’t want to do the full test then just do following:
Questionnaire Quest: Grab a journal or piece of paper (or a napkin, if you want) and jot down your answers:
- What specific scenarios or actions evoke a submissive feeling in you?
- How do you feel after experiencing submissive acts? Empowered? Relieved? Eager for more?
- What boundaries do you instinctively feel are crucial for you?
- How would you describe your ideal dominant partner?
Fantasy vs. Reality: It’s one thing to daydream about being rescued from a dragon and another to actually enjoy someone bossing you around in daily life. What submissive acts appeal in fantasy? And which ones do you genuinely want to bring to life?
The Submissive Spectrum: Remember, submission is as diverse as a paint swatch. Do you lean towards being a ‘brat’ (someone who enjoys playful resistance)? Or do you identify more as a ‘service submissive’ (deriving pleasure from serving or completing tasks)? There’s no wrong answer; it’s about finding your hue.
Feedback Loop: After dabbling in submissive dynamics, take a moment to reflect. What did you enjoy? What felt uncomfortable? Just as wine-tasting involves savoring and discerning different notes, exploring submission requires a similar palate check.
With time you will be piecing together a mosaic of your desires, and each reflection, experience, and introspection adds another tile to this masterpiece what you can call “My Sexuality”.
Embracing and Exploring: Taking Your First Submissive Steps:
Now, how about taking those newfound insights out for a spin? Here’s your guide to dipping those toes (or diving head-first, if you’re feeling adventurous) into the waters of submission.
- Research and Resources: Before embarking on any journey, it’s wise to pack a bag of knowledge. Books, articles, and reputable websites can offer invaluable insights. Think of them as your submissive compass and map. But be aware that many stories are often extreme and out of context. So be realistic.
Read also the Safety Guide for BDSM Beginners from an experienced Dom
- Joining Communities: There are numerous online forums and local groups where you can connect with like-minded souls. Whether you’re looking for advice, experiences, or a space to vent, communities can be a sanctuary. Just remember the internet’s golden rule: stay safe and protect your privacy – unfortunately there are not just “good fetishists” around but also creeps.
- Workshops and Classes: Yes, there are classes for this! Workshops can offer a safe environment to learn about dynamics, safety protocols, and even some fun techniques. Who knew “school” could be this exciting?
- Communicate, Communicate, Communicate: If you’re exploring submission with a partner, keep those communication lines buzzing. Discuss boundaries, desires, safewords, and aftercare. It’s like choreographing a dance where both partners are in tune with each other’s rhythms.
- Baby Steps and Big Leaps: It’s okay to start small. Maybe let your partner take control during a date night, or experiment with light bondage. As you grow more comfortable, you can explore deeper dynamics.
- Choose an Experienced Dom: For many beginners it is usually easier to get an experience Dominant that can help them with their sexuality. While there might be an advantage of starting out new with someone, you never know if the fetishes align and someone with experience might just show you more.
Remember, this journey is yours. It’s not about fitting into a pre-defined mold but about carving your unique path. An experienced partner will always help you to make the best out of your unique combination and this is also important to understand.
Conclusion if you are Submissive
Well, here we are at the end of our little submissive soiree and I hope you found what you were looking for. I hope there were some “aha” moments that helped you and you also got rid of some of the stereotypes and myths around submission. So a little reminder:
- A Submissive Spectrum: Remember, submissiveness is a spectrum. Whether you’re a once-in-a-blue-moon submissive or a full-time devotee, it’s all valid. It’s like ice cream; some like a single scoop, while others opt for the triple-decker sundae dripping in toppings. All that matters is savoring every bite (or nibble).
- Redefining Strength: Submission isn’t about weakness. If anything, it’s a testament to strength, trust, and self-awareness. It’s like yoga; it might look serene on the outside, but oh boy, the inner strength and balance it requires!
Your Journey, Your Rules: Whether you’re now ready to embrace your submissive side or still dancing on the sidelines, the beat is yours. As the age-old saying goes (or at least it should): Know thyself, cherish thy kinks, and always, ALWAYS, stay safe.